


Hope Starts Here

by BflyW



Series: The 5th Day of March [4]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 09:38:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12724110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BflyW/pseuds/BflyW
Summary: Jensen and Jared have a not so great day, and Jared start ranting online





	Hope Starts Here

CVSA > Forums > Adult CVS

_Create New Topic in “Adult CVS”_  
Topic Title (Maximum Length: 80): Do you ever feel that your partner doesn’t get it?

* * *

posted: 09/12/17 at 08.34 p.m  
Started by: Jayman

* * *

> _“It wasn’t long after I got sick that I started longing for someone to know what it was to have CVS.”_

Jared types the first line in a new post on the Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome Association’s web-forum. He’s been active in this forum for a couple of years now, on and off. The first time he used it, it was to ask if anyone besides him used hot showers for pain-relief. The excitement he felt when not one, not two, but nine people confirmed that they did just that - and they confirmed it within an hour of posting. It’is not possible to describe with words how it felt to know that others did it too, that he wasn’t the only weird one. He cried that day. It was the first time he felt he wasn’t alone.

> _“I longed to talk to somebody who really gets what it is to constantly live in fear fof the next episode, and constantly disappointing yourself – and your partner – when you keep failing to do what you have set out to do. “_

He can tell people about it, explain, and they will listen, and they’ll even say that they understand, and yet, it isn’t enough.

> _“Today, for instance. Today Jensen needed me to not need him. He needed someone to be there for him when he came home from work, exhausted and drained after what can only be described as a hellish day at work. They had been understaffed on one of the busiest days they’d ever seen, and Jensen doesn’t back down until he knows that they have done right by the customers. Even if it breaks his back. It was crazy, and he was beyond exhausted when he came home.”_

He knows that Jensen feels hurt sometimes, even feels under-appreciated if…no, WHEN he tells him that he needs to talk to someone else – someone that GETS it. Because he does – he says he does understand, he gets it. Except – he doesn’t.

> _“So when he came home, he didn’t need to find the house in a complete mess and a boyfriend lying on the couch watching TV, even though I had promised him that I would make an effort today. That I would do the dishes and wash at least one batch of clothes. But when he came home, the dishes were still there, and no laundry had been done.”_

He sees it.

> _“I had a really bad day. Not a full-blown episode day, thank god, but a total mito-crash.”_

He learns about it.

> _“It was one of those days where I felt that I’d been dragged through the mud and been hit by a Mack truck.”_

But he doesn’t live it.

> _“I didn’t wake up until 1 p.m. and couldn’t even stay awake for an hour before I fell asleep again.”_

Not completely.

> _“When Jensen came home, about 7 hours after I first woke up, I had probably been awake no more than 4 hours total, and never longer than 2 hours at a time.”_

He doesn’t doubt himself – like Jared does.

> _“I never dared putting on the washing machine, because I knew I couldn’t stay awake long enough.”_

He doesn’t have to.

> _“Forget about doing the dishes. I haven’t even had energy to make something to eat.”_

He doesn’t have to pass judgment on himself in retrospect.

> _“I ended up grabbing a jar of peanut butter and eat it with a spoon.”_

He doesn’t have to wait a day to know if his actions – or lack of same - were justified or pure laziness.

> _“So when he came home, the first thing I heard - even before he said hello to me - was ‘Why the hell haven’t you taken the garbage out?’, and that’s when I had enough.”_

~*~

Most of the time, when Jared has an off day, it fucks with his brain. It makes him doubt himself like nothing else. When he throws up and lies curled up on the floor, writhing in pain, he knows, without a doubt, that he is incapable of doing anything. When he throws up and lies curled up on the floor, writhing in pain, it is obvious to  _everyone around him_ , that he is incapable of doing nothing. But when his body is drained of energy – even though he hasn’t moved a muscle – but his mind is unwilling to work, that’s when his mind fucks him up. That’s when the devil on his shoulder tells him that he’s a lazy fuck who’s no good for anything. And why the fuck doesn’t he do the things he said he would, and just you wait – one of these days - Jensen will have had enough and leave you, and that’s just what you deserve. When he’s drained of energy, that’s when he see it clearly, that he’s worth nothing.

~*~

> _“I’d been crashing on the couch all day, feeling crappy.. mad at myself for not being able to do anything, feeling that I was the lousiest boyfriend in the world, and thinking that he would do way better without me.”_

So when Jensen’s first reaction was anger, Jared’s first reaction was to defend himself.

> _“It’s easier almost, when you have a full-blown episode.”_

Defending himself to Jensen.

> _“Then it’s obvious that you are sick.”_

Defending himself for himself.

> _“Then you don’t deserve to have a job.”_

Putting up a wall, so that Jensen wouldn’t see what a lousy boyfriend he really is.

> _“Then you can stand tall and say ‘I really couldn’t do anything today.’”_

Afraid that he would leave if he saw the truth.

> _“But when you’re just completely empty of energy, that’s when you start to doubt yourself.”_

So he puts the blame on Jensen.

> _“And that’s what I have trouble making him see.”_

Accusing him of not caring...

> _“That in those moments, I feel like I don’t deserve him.”_

...of not understanding...

> _“When I can’t even believe it myself, how can I defend myself to him?”_

...of being unfair.

> _“How can I explain to him that I need to be loved?”_

Even though he knows, deep down, that Jensen has done nothing wrong.

> _“That I need to continue to be loved?”_

That Jensen is just tired.

> _“Even if I don’t function properly as a partner.”_

That he is just human.

> _“Even though I cannot pull my weight in our relationship.”_

That he too, is frustrated.

> _“I’m afraid of telling him this.”_

That he too is angry at CVS.

> _“Hoping that if I don’t voice my concerns, maybe he won’t see what a failure I am.”_

That he too sometimes puts the blame where it doesn’t belong.

> _“Even though it’s blatantly clear to me.”_

That he too needs to talk to someone who gets it.

> _“That’s when I need people like you to vent to. People that just get it when I say Mito-crash. People that know what it means when I say I couldn’t do anything because I had no spoons left. People that get it without having to be told WHY this is affecting me the way it does, because sometimes I need to say it without having to explain.”_

Someone who isn’t Jared.

> _“So when he came home today, drained and completely empty, he snapped. And when he snapped, I snapped too, and then we both said things we shouldn’t have.”_

Someone who doesn’t take offence if he vents his frustration.

> _“So when he complained to me that he was exhausted and drained and didn’t need me to be lying on the couch, I said ‘welcome to my life, now you finally understand how exhausted I am all the time!’”_

And Jared meant every word he yelled at Jensen….

> _“BTW – not the right thing to say!!!”_

…at the time.

> _“And I know it sounds like I’m complaining about him.”_

“I understand you alright,” Jensen yelled back, “don’t you fucking put this on me!”

> _“Believe me, that’s the last thing I want to do, because honestly, he is being so good about it. I wouldn’t have done half as good had the shoe been on the other foot.”_

And he’s probably right.

> _“But it’s really hard, you know!?”_

Jared likes to think that he sees Jensen’s side of the story too.

> _“Being the one that brings this monster into our life.”_

He like to believe that he gives something back, when Jensen has been so good to him.

> _“Seeing how it affects him too.”_

~*~

Jared stops typing for a moment. Reads each and every line he has written again. Carefully, he scrolls up to the top. Erases the title one letter after another, realizing that this maybe wasn’t so much about Jensen not getting Jared, but more about Jared not getting Jensen? He breathes in and start typing the title again.

> _“Topic title: Do you ever….”_

He erases it again, not sure how to phrase the topic.

“What are you doing?” Jensen says, and startling Jared as he is walking up to the couch where Jared still sits with his laptop open. His hair is dripping wet after taking a shower to relieve him of all the tension from the job, and a beer is dangling from his hand waiting to be opened.

“Nothing,” Jared answers, and moves the cursor to the bottom of the page. The text is written out in front of him, black on white, and all jumbled together like the emotions mixed up in himself.

“Sorry for yelling,” Jensen says, and bends down to give him a kiss. Jared closes the lid of his laptop before he leans into Jensen’s kiss, savoring the moment and trying to soak up the love and compassion that Jensen shows him. The love and compassion he  _knows_ that Jensen has for him.

He touches Jensen’s face, caresses it, trying to focus only on them. “I’m sorry too,” he says, hoping that Jensen can see his sincerity. He really is sorry. Sorry for yelling at him. Sorry for being sick. Sorry for being a burden, but most of all sorry for blaming Jensen for something which is totally out of Jensen’s control.

“How about we just let chores being chores today and order a pizza instead? The dishes aren’t going anywhere – we can do them tomorrow.” Jensen says, grabbing his phone from the table.

“Great,” Jared says and picks up his laptop again, looking at the words filling up the screen in front of him.

“Any preferences?” Jensen asks as he hit the speed dial to their favorite pizza shop.

“You can decide,” Jared says as he positions the cursor over the cancel-button and watch it dance on top of it for a moment before he push it down. The words disappear from the screen as he closes the lid on his laptop, and make room for Jensen to sit down next to him.

_Sometimes, it’s enough to just know that they are there._

THE END

**Author's Note:**

>   
> 
> 
> People suffering from CVS often feel alone in their battle with the disease and have a hard time finding information about the condition. I have been a member of CVSA USA for years, and have received much needed support from the people on their web-forum. However, I had trouble finding information on issues regarding dealing with CVS in the Norwegian health care system. Members of CVSA USA couldn’t help me there. For a while I dreamed about forming a CVSA Norway, but knew I couldn’t do it alone. And I was the only person I knew in Norway dealing with CVS. So I realized that if I really wanted to go on with this, I had to see outside the borders of Norway, so that we would be a large enough number of CVS-sufferers to form a team and a member-base.
> 
> So I teamed up with CVSA’s contact persons from Sweden, Finland, Denmark and Iceland, and in on April 16th 2017, CVSA Nordic was officially founded. We are building up an organization and a web portal in an effort to collect experience and knowledge in one place, so that people searching for information on CVS would not have to do all the digging themselves.
> 
> We want to share our knowledge with those that need it, and we want to offer people with CVS, their families and their caretakers a place to meet and exchange experiences. We want to give support, not only to the people suffering from CVS, but to those around them as well.  
> Our job, as members on the Moderator team, and as members of the board of CVSA Nordic, is not to focus on what we cannot do, but to help people see what they can do, and where they can get help. Our job is to be carrier of hope. Which is why we have decided to adopt CVSA USA’s slogan:
> 
> * HOPE STARTS HERE *
> 
> We have the skills and we have the knowledge to do this. What we don’t have is the money to fund it. We have started a fundraising campaign. Our goal is to collect enough money to put CVSA Nordic on its feet, and have enough equity to keep us floating until we are ready to accept paying members (hopefully at the end of this year.)  
> To sweeten the deal for people in fandom, I have put up a campaign where you can claim your prize if you donate 250 Nok (Norwegian Krone) or more.
> 
>  
> 
> [CHECK OUT THE CAMPAIGN HERE](https://bflyw.livejournal.com/719431.html)  
> 


End file.
